This will be the first family dinner since the loss of my sister. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand I want to gather my family close and never let them go. On the other, I want to lock the door and see/speak to no one. I'm having trouble getting the food prepped. It's like if I don't do it, there will be no family dinner, and we won't have to acknowledge that she is gone. There will be a lot of difficult "first" so we just have to muddle through them.
My aunt passed away a week or so ago. It was the same aunt who's 90th birthday party we attended to a few years ago.. there's a post about it. Her funeral was more a celebration of life, but it still hit hard. It's easy to get sucked into the whirlpool of loss. I'm struggling somewhat to stay out of it. I survived the 120 days of loss in 2011.. I can survive anything.
I actually ordered a turkey and ham from the butcher for tomorrow's dinner. Not sure how I am going to cook a turkey without extra legs, missing limbs and a strange, third eye in its ass. Utility turkeys have their place, but this dinner deserved a real bird.
And there will be wine. Boy will have cab fare for work, and that will be that.
Wish me luck.
