I miss

I miss what I thought was. I miss the confidence that I though that I knew I was loved. I miss the security thinking someone had my back. I miss not being lonely.  I miss being touched. I missing thinking I had the right to touch. I miss holding hands. I miss leaning against someone and feeling them lean back. I miss trusting. I miss loving.

Lonely Hearts Club

I'm lonely. My heart got stepped on (or ripped out and ground into the dirt) and I tell myself that i'm gun shy.. but the truth is.. no one is interested. I'm the girl guys go to for advice and help to get the girl they really want. I'm the girl they have sex with in the dark, but won't be seen in public with. I'm the girl who gets to watch everyone else have someone who shares their life. I'm the girl in the corner alone.

I want someone to share my life, such as it is. I want someone in my corner, who I know will stand beside me, proclaiming to the world that he has my back. Someone who loves me, flaws and all. Someone who will let me be in their corner, have their back and love them, flaws and all.

I have baggage. Trust issues, health issues, logistical issues... and I can only imagine I am very hard to live with, considering no one has been able to stand me for more than a few years before running screaming away. Actually, I wish they would run screaming away, instead of lying and cheating until I find out and leave. I wish I had someone strong enough to be honest with me about why I'm unlovable, instead of just not saying anything and hoping i'll get the hint and go away.

I looked into online dating sites. There is even one for disabled people. I don't consider myself disabled, but definitely have issues.  When I looked at the profiles there, there were some amazing, courageous men who sounded wonderful. Then I looked at the women. Young, thin, absolutely beautiful. If they can't get a date, what the hell chances do I have? If these amazing men have a choice between these lovely creatures and me... just a creature... I don't stand a chance.

All this has left me unsettled and frustrated and a bit depressed.  They say there is someone out there for everyone. I think my someone is a platypus.

Easter dinner.. to laugh, to cry, to get drunk

This will be the first family dinner since the loss of my sister. I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand I want to gather my family close and never let them go. On the other, I want to lock the door and see/speak to no one. I'm having trouble getting the food prepped. It's like if I don't do it, there will be no family dinner, and we won't have to acknowledge that she is gone. There will be a lot of difficult "first" so we just have to muddle through them.

My aunt passed away a week or so ago. It was the same aunt who's 90th birthday party we attended to a few years ago.. there's a post about it. Her funeral was more a celebration of life, but it still hit hard. It's easy to get sucked into the whirlpool of loss. I'm struggling somewhat to stay out of it.  I survived the 120 days of loss in 2011.. I can survive anything.

I actually ordered a turkey and ham from the butcher for tomorrow's dinner. Not sure how I am going to cook a turkey without extra legs, missing limbs and a strange, third eye in its ass. Utility turkeys have their place, but this dinner deserved a real bird.

And there will be wine. Boy will have cab fare for work, and that will be that.

Wish me luck.

I don't want to write this

It's been a difficult start to the year. My sister suddenly passed away January 23rd. She was here having dinner, she had been fighting what she thought was bronchitis, and left around 7:30 with plans to go to her doctor the next morning for a referral to the lung doctor I had seen. She was chatting with my other sister on skype until about 10:30. at 4am, we got a call from the hospital, and when we got there, we learned she called 911 at 3:06 (from her cell phone records) she was speaking to the dispatcher while they were on their way and at one point either she dropped the phone, or the connection was lost. The firefighters reached her apartment less than a minute after last contact, and she was without vital signs. Those brave guys brought my sister back and transported her to the hospital. The police made sure the cats were ok, and locked up her apartment. We got to the hospital at 4:30, and were able to see her briefly in the ER. She was intubated, and twitching. We couldn't stay long as they were getting ready to move her to ICU. She went to ICU about 6:30. My two sisters and my mother were able to see her briefly. She never regained consciousness. At 8:30 we heard the first code blue. People ran to help, but quickly left. Then we heard the second code blue. At 8:45 the ER supervisor came and told us it did not look good. Just before 9, the doctor asked if we wanted to continue lifesaving treatments. We asked for one more round. He came back and said they just couldn't keep her heart going. Every time they stopped CPR and shocking her, she flatlined again. At this point, damage was done, and there was no more hope. We gave permission to stop CPR, we told them that she was an organ donor and we cried. I went numb... on autopilot. The next few weeks are truly a blur. Cleaning out the apartment, divvying up her things. It all felt like we were erasing her presence. And it hurt. Oh God it hurt.. hurts. As I type this on her laptop, It feels like we were vultures, picking over her possessions. We donated a lot of her stuff. Found a home for one of her cats. Sadly, the other one passed away waiting to be adopted. Another knife in the heart. I failed to help my sister.. and her baby. Finding out her secrets, picking through her life.. it all seems so callous. But it's necessary. Waiting or not doing anything does not bring her back, does not ease any pain, does not do anyone any good. There is still so much to do. Her taxes, her final good bye at the cemetery when the ground softens... the first dinner without her drunken ass being inappropriate. We fought, oh shit, how we fought. But as much as we fought each other, no one messed with the family. I would have said we didn't touch base often.. until she was gone and I found out how much we did connect. Through texts, messages, facebook and such, there was daily communication. And even now, I reach for my phone to text her something funny, something interesting or just to rant. And she's not there. I miss her so much. I want just one more moment to let her know that all the fights, all the bitching .. was because she was me and I was her.